Living the Quiet Life - Some Thoughts on Humility

The new Pope has generated lots of discussion around the world over the past few weeks. (That's aside from the Catholic 'elephant in the room' of abuse, of course. But I'm not here to talk about that).
What struck me was what I heard about his lifestyle as a cardinal. He chose a small apartment, cooked his own meals, and used public transport. He made his lifestyle deliberately modest, in order to demonstrate his attitude to service.
Later, after the white smoke rose from the chimney, he emerged onto the balcony and made another demonstration of his attitude, by asking the people of the church to pray for him. And to pray with him. The ulterior: I'm just like you. We should do this together. I am not more special than you; in fact, I need your help in this job I'm going to do.
It feels to me that these are important demonstrations of humility and could be very helpful in the ongoing struggles of the Catholic church.

And then, more recently, I noticed it happening again: this time, Justin Welby, the new Archbishop of Canterbury. An innovative change to the normal ceremony - added by Welby himself - had him intercepted at the door of the cathedral by a youngster. It was quite something to watch.
See it here at about 2min 50sec.  
A 17-year-old asked him "Who are you? Who sent you? And what confidence do you come with?". His reply was "I'm just me, basically, and actually I know nothing. I'm not coming with confidence, I'm coming with fear. But I'm here to serve".
Again, I was struck by the sense of humility in this segment. It was a clear indication from the Archbishop that, despite the presumed power and authority of the position, he wishes to be seen as 'only' human.

I haven't seen such obvious public displays of humility in a long time. Most media output in the UK is dominated by people who exude quite the opposite; take Simon Cowell, for instance, whose self-absorption and grandiosity has actually become a kind of joke. Our culture seems to be evolving more and more in the other direction......

Being humble is weak.
You're under-rating yourself - brag a little to get ahead. **
In fact, brag a lot.
Brag louder, and more, than the others.
Don't be quiet or unassuming.
Quiet guys finish unnoticed.

In the therapy industry, the tide is also flowing that way. A colleague in the US has observed recently how counselling/therapy has become "commodified" - partly due, I think, to an increase in competitive marketing trends.
Yes, therapists are now bragging to get ahead, too. I have noticed it myself. I spotted someone on social media recently describing themselves as "known for quick results". Elsewhere, people offer 'testimonials' in their literature, perhaps unaware of the inherent bias. What I see is a widespread decrease in humility.
 Odd, perhaps, when the BACP Ethical Framework describes humility as one of the "personal moral qualities" essential in ALL therapists.

"Humility: the ability to assess accurately and acknowledge one’s own strengths and weaknesses." (BACP, 2013)

Personally, I would choose as a therapist (or refer clients to) someone who makes no bold claims on their website. If they did, it would turn me off. I like it when people suggest that therapy "may" be a real help, rather than saying it "can" change your life. Words are important; tone is important; the ulterior (unspoken) message is the one that really gets through.

Maybe we just need more of it in the world.....?
Generally, I think humility could make the world a bit less 'in-your-face'; a little quieter, perhaps. It might help us in recognizing ourselves and each other as normal, faulty human beings - rather than cultivating a culture of celebrity, competition, pressure on others, pressure on self.

The problem with humility is ... that to be humble involves just quietly getting on with what you do, making no song and dance about it, not asking for any awards or prizes (although BACP are offering them!). In an increasingly competitive commercial world, we are driven to NOT be quiet.


In general society, humility is normally practiced only in quiet corners (that's the point, after all). But as a result - the virtue, benefits, and rewards of humility are chronically under-advertised. So thanks be, to Pope Francis and Archbishop Justin.....
for making a song-and-dance about NOT making a song-and-dance.

...

** In Transactional Analysis, there is a tradition of  using 'bragging' as something healthy. I broadly agree with this, because it's done in an I'm OK-You're OK spirit. In other words, it's not about bragging to be one-up on others; it's more to do with fighting the internal critic (or Pig Parent).
Bragging at the expense of others is a widespread behaviour which implies an "I'm better than them" position (I+U-). This may be significant of the "Take It" driver (Tudor, 2008).

Humility is an antidote to "Take It", as Tudor suggests: 
"Just as awareness and understanding helps the individual, so too the social psychological analysis of the social, political, and economic consequences of the 'Take it' driver message may help the social awareness of individuals, groups, peoples, and even nations to resist oppression and to commit to cooperation." 
 Sounds like humility in action to me. 

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In Memoriam - "Tony the Greek"

I work a lot with people who are dying, or their family members. Every so often, I go to a funeral. This is always because I have developed some kind of special connection with the person who has died. I haven't made a habit of it; I find that however positive, realistic or even celebratory the ritual is, I am always left with the heavy reality of loss and death. And actually, I don't want to dilute that important inner reaction, by sitting through too many such occasions. I want to keep a healthy respect for deaths, and remain open to their impacts.

In the Autumn of last year, I met a man in his 80's. he was rather isolated socially and kept himself to himself. But he was clearly needing some support, both physical and psychological. I was asked to spend some time with him, not in a formal capacity, but simply to help build some trust and communication between him and the organization. So I went over and had a chat.

"Tony" quickly started talking about his background and his nostalgia for 'home' (Greece). I commented that many men of his age 'back home' would be sitting outside a cafe in the sunshine, smoking and drinking black tea, playing chequers or cards or........

"Backgammon! I would be playing Backgammon. Oh, yes." His face came alive. "Do you play?"

No, I didn't, sadly. I had never learned. "I will teach you! Will you be here next week? I will bring my board. I will show you how."

And so our relationship cemented. Week by week, he would bring his backgammon board. It came in a tatty supermarket bag, but when opened it revealed a beautiful sultry mix of dark brown wood inlays. It looked to me like it was itself Greek. Small intricate geometric patterns sat around and inside the traditional Backgammon board, with its triangular spikes pointing upwards.

The basics explained, Tony set about teaching me. Advice came thick and - oh my, so very fast. His play was accomplished, slick, and natural. He played at least 2 moves in advance. I, on the other hand, needed so so much time to think, and think, and finally decide what piece to move, and then move it and -

"Noooooo! Why are you putting it there? I will knock you!" The voice was deep and gravelly and filled with life, though it came from a frail and fragile body. So frequent were his interventions, it seemed to me he was actually playing two games - his and mine - and enjoying the educational commentary.
"I think this time, we are having a game of running"...... "I see your stone here, but I am taking a chance anyway." ...... "You throw a three or a six, I will get you - oh yes, you will be sorry."
I tried hard to keep up and absorb the teachings.

At first I had felt a little worried about this use of my time. What would my colleagues think? But after a few weeks, as this teaching continued, I noticed the therapeutic value in what we were doing. This man - frail, weak, and debilitated by disease, was adjusting to a shrinking life. When we played backgammon, he had opportunities to be cunning. Deceptive. Aggressive. Frustrated. Angry, even. Kind. Generous. Sporting. Fair. Funny. "Double six, baby!"
He reminisced. In between games, he would tell me stories of his life; how he & his wife had met over 60 years ago. How he had built up a business. How he had been widely known in his part of London.
And he was teaching me, a younger man, who knew nothing. What a glorious opportunity for him to feel, and share, the wisdom of his age. And for me to learn from him. Something important passes between old and young when this occurs; I remember reading something about this in the men's literature (Alan Chinen, perhaps, or maybe Moore & Gilette). The older man gains from his role as initiator, and the younger man grows by initiation into a new version of manhood.
It also brought to mind the life-stages suggested by Erik Erikson; particularly "Generativity vs Stagnation", and "Integrity vs Despair". One reading of the term "Generativity" suggests a kind of passing-on of knowledge, values, culture, in a way which enriches the lives of younger people, but also wards off the feelings of stagnation and lack of purpose that are possible in older life. Generativity, then, is about contributing to a community - large or small- that will continue after one's death.

Eventually, in the New Year, there came a day when something shifted. After looking around the board, and again at my dice (several times), I realised there was a move I should make; one he'd been reiterating to me for a long time. Silently I picked up the piece and placed it in a good, solid, strategic position.
"Hmmmmm," came the approval. "You are learning."
Inside, I positively glowed. How wonderful.
And later, when a stranger came to look on in puzzlement at our game, I was given an even greater honour. He looked up at the spectator and said:  "I'm so glad I met Ian."
Thence our relationship rebalanced. I grew, and we became less unequal (although to be fair, the change wasn't huge. He had been playing for 76 years, and I only a few weeks!)

I fear that, as the ageing population grows, there is an increasing potential for them to be unconsciously resented as a burden on the state and society as a whole. Hints of this can be seen already in the growing UK debate about the future of old-age care, and how it's paid for. How sad, then, that this might get in the way of our learning from them, respecting them, and appreciating their role in teaching us the values - and value - of life.

As long as I live, whenever I play Backgammon, I will hear that voice. And I hope I grow old enough to teach the game to another, in such a meaningful way.

Thank you, Tony. And blessings.

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The Carom Transaction in Social Media

I have fallen out of love with Facebook. I have become attached to Twitter. I have discovered LinkedIn. This is my current position; it may change!

Over the several years that I've been involved in social media, I have noticed more the vast array of transactions on display. Some social, some psychological, but all the different permutations of the Berne's original dual ego-state model are there.

Looking at the different ways in which people use the platforms of Facebook, Twitter et al, I have been reminded of an old, seldom-used bit of Transactional Analysis theory which I now feel deserves a fresh look.

The Carom Transaction

In the wider literature this first appears in Woolams & Brown (1978) although it's a very brief mention. Very simply, it's a kind of transaction where the speaker says something to another person in the vicinity of a third party ... the third party is the real recipient of the strokes. It's an unusual transaction because of its use of an intermediary. It is also an example of the social & psychological levels of action (i.e. Berne's third rule of communication*)

Here's a basic example:

"Carom" is a broadly European term that is found in Carom Billiards, where players must deliberately bounce (carom) the cue ball against a cushion or another ball, in order to progress. Carom transactions, then, are used to 'bounce' a message off one person, so that it 'rebounds' off to the next one (the real target).
Caroms may be used deliberately in a therapy. Usually this is done in order to reinforce a particularly important message, or to convey a point that couldn't be done directly for some reason. The client's partner, or other members of a group, may be the 'bounce-ees' in this respect.

The Carom in Social Media

Looking at Facebook and Twitter etc, it becomes clear how many of the postings, status updates or tweets are not actually intended for the supposed recipient. In fact, caroms are in play all over the place - intentional or not. The 'bouncees' are those others-out-there; the folks on one's Friend list (in the case of Facebook), or just other users in the Twittersphere (which can potentially mean millions of people!). Obviously the more public the settings, the more potential bouncings there might be.

Here are a few examples I have found:

1. The Old-fashioned carom

Simply, an indirect message conveyed in the manner we've just seen. Here's a kindly example:

Now, nearly everyone knows what a nice person Louise is. This is much more powerful than sending a text, or perhaps even a thank-you card (although that might depend on the wording). But it's potent; maybe because of its public nature, as depicted in the diagram below.

Of course, this kind of carom can be used in a not-so-kindly way. I have refrained from posting an example here, but I'm sure you have seen a status update in your feed that's of the "Levon is a doo-doo-head" variety.
I have seen this kind of carom escalate into something really gamey and poisonous; family feuds and bitter disputes have been played out in this manner.


2. "Now Hear This, Now Hear This"

This is an interesting one, where the 'target' of the message is everyone. The bouncee may not even be present amongst that following, but be referred to in the posting itself. Here's an example:

This is a loving parent. What's interesting is that the child isn't actually the recipient of the message. On the social level, this is a birthday greeting to someone (who 'happens' not to be there). I suspect that an ulterior message is being conveyed, and that the 'others-out-there' are the intended recipients (below).

Other forms of this type of carom can easily be found. If you "like" a particular posting or group, for instance, it can be a way of conveying a message to those around. (They will see that you've clicked on "No Tolerance for Domestic Violence", or "I Hate People Who Stand Still on the Escalator", and will know this about you).


3. Social Media as Marketing, or "Hey, Google, Look at Me!"

This is a double-rebound carom, which I think has been born of the digital age. In this situation, users of Facebook, Twitter, and bloggers in general have taken to using their social media as a marketing tool. Google (other search engines are available) is the driver behind this; SEO gurus tell us that Google looks for "quality content", and so we merrily type away in the hope that Google will hear us **. Of course, Google may not hear what we're saying; we just need Google to know we're here. Our Facebook Friends, Followers, and the general public may hear us, and if so that's good - but there is the added dimension of telling Google something about ourselves.

(Pink lines show the second carom phase)

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* Berne's Third Rule of Communication: Where there is a transaction on the social and psychological level, the outcome will always be determined by the latter.

** I am aware that many, many people write blogs and use social media for reasons other than marketing. Astute and/or prolific readers will have seen examples of those that do (write for marketing purposes) and those that don't. I can usually tell the difference; there is a difference in tone, and the 'marketing' writer often has little or no engagement with those who comment/tweet back etc.
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Men and Sexual Myths - Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

One of the major areas of psychosexual work with men is myth and mystery. As men, we grow up with messages from parents, peers, porn and elsewhere... all of which add to our collective understanding of sex.

Unfortunately, as we know, much of the material taken up during this process is actually unhelpful. Porn, for instance, grew (and continues to sustain) the "two feet long and hard as steel" myth of men's ideal sexuality. It gives a skewed picture of what real sex is like. This can lead to problems later on in sexual relationships.

So, much of my work with men can be about unpicking these unhelpful beliefs and attitudes - getting them back to a much more realistic - and forgiving- position with themselves and their sexual lives. We are often surprised by how refreshing and empowering this can be.... it really can lead to a more fulfilling sexual life. For that reason, I enjoy doing this kind of work with men.

My heart sank when I walked into the toilet of a local supermarket recently, and saw this on the wall:

A number of things disturb me about this. The main one is the choice of company name - "Perform" - although it might feel a bit more acceptable to attach a sub-label "wellbeing", it still smacks of competitive sexuality. Just what we don't need - another covert message saying that to "perform" is the goal of sex....

Looking at the items for sale; it's unsurprising, indeed quite acceptable, to see condoms. The buzz ring is a relatively recent addition to the 'open' market in Britain (quite common now to see these in pharmacies etc), and so that feels realistic, too.

What really gets me seething is the all-too-familiar "blue pills" which contain very little but seem to promise so much. These things appear with tedious inevitability these days, in my email inbox, on Ebay, and elsewhere.

"BLUE ZEUS", they are called here, with barely-veiled references to god-like prowess, no doubt with lightning-like erectile response, thunderous orgasms from dozens of naked writhing bodies, the air filled with screams of abandon and pleasure. One might also envisage the others, the mere mortals, only dreaming to reach the heights of such winged blue prowess if they do not posess this great potency.

Poor Bernie Zilbergeld, who did so much to debunk men's sexual myths, would be chilled to see so much of his work undone in one fell swoop. For starters, how about these, from the "New Male Sexuality" ...

Myth 5 - A Real Man "Performs" in Sex
Well, a condom machine emblazoned by a company called "Perform" is hardly going to advance men's perceptions of sexuality in the 21st century, now is it?

Myth 6 - Sex is Centred on a Hard Penis and What's Done With It
I suppose our friends at "Perform" would make far less money if this machine dispensed advice leaflets on, say, foreplay, sexual communication and mutuality. So, blue pills for hard-ons it is, then.....

Myth 7 - If Your Penis Isn't Up To It, We Have a Pill That Will Take Care of Everything
Since a large proportion of erectile problems are at least partly psychological, the notion that a pill will do the trick is awfully misleading. Medicating men, instead of educating them and enhancing their relationships, is dubious if not potentially damaging. The "recreational" use of drugs and herbal preparations (when not medically indicated) is a costly side-step from the real issues.

So our condom-selling friends at "Perform" are also, sadly, purveyors of these unhelpful myths. Men - particularly young men, whose internal model of sex is still developing, are still being fed this stuff AND paying for it at the same time.
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Postscript.....

Once, when I was feeling incredibly sarcastic and mischievous and angry, I decided that I would collect a large number of blue Smarties and advertise them for sale on Ebay, thus:

"These are SWEETS. They have no ingredients that have been proven to enhance your erections or make you last longer. But who knows, they just might - and they're a lot cheaper than those "Hercules Hugeness" tablets you've been buying from Japan, right? Why not give them a try??"

I decided not to go ahead, but.....Maybe I could have made a few bucks....?